It was 5:37 PM today in Spokane, Washington when local police radio chatter was cluttered with strange descriptions pertaining to one of the members of Chairmaster Productions.
This man (later identified as Tim Wang) was found face down, naked, bloodied and unconscious on the doorstep of a local IHOP breakfast restaurant by an employee. The employee phoned for help and what was uncovered was more disturbing than anyone could imagine.
When police arrived it was immediately apparent that Tim had lost consciousness due to vigorous bouts of jumping back and forth in the same spot in front of IHOP. The indication was vividly clear by his bloody sole and by his footprint permanently pressed into the concrete; which suggests hour upon hours of repeated hopping. The humor of the ironic act was lost however, when police found a VCR tape nearby as well as a paper bag that was filled with a human eye and some hops.
When paramedics arrived, police were shocked to discovered that it was in fact, Tim's eye in the bag, the supplier of the hops are still unknown at the moment.
The footage on the tape revealed a disturbing look into the reasons for his irony filled self destructive tendencies. When questioned about the tape, a police officer's only description of it was:
"[It is] an epic tale of a Norwegian family whose lives are bound by their eternal lust for each other. However, before coming to terms with their predicament, they must first reign supreme in the battle for Jupiter against a gang of ancient Egyptian skunks."
Well this clever reporter "borrowed" a copy of the film and so here it is, the reasoning behind the madness...
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
What the hell?
Today's press conference could be best summed up in one word, da-fuck? Let this reporter elaborate....
The cast and crew entered the conference room with a proud glee upon their faces and to an excited round of standing ovation from all who were present; rightly so, as their movie has reach the #1 Box Office in America three seconds after its debut.
The atmosphere was charged still, even after everyone took their seats following 55 minutes of thunderous applause. The conference was organized so that the press could immediately begin their questioning of the cast and crew.
The first question presented was by a fellow named Holland, who asked about the work put into this masterpiece. The creators did not respond and instead only succeeded in confusing reporters with a cross-eyed fat face. However, after several minutes of this uncomfortable and awkward silence, one of the actors made a comment.
Mandrake: "People Crying is a travesty."
Promptly proceeding this denouncement of the movie, all cast and crew at the press conference stood up abruptly, turned to face the door and marched out with a most vicious scowl on their faces. To further baffle the audience present, they were heard giggling maniacally down the hall way leading to the exit while shouting what I could only make out to be, "Abandon ship! Abandon Kip!"
Shortly after this fiasco all members mysteriously vanished. Police investigations are currently being conducted with the only viable clue being this disturbing and crude drawing:
The cast and crew entered the conference room with a proud glee upon their faces and to an excited round of standing ovation from all who were present; rightly so, as their movie has reach the #1 Box Office in America three seconds after its debut.
The atmosphere was charged still, even after everyone took their seats following 55 minutes of thunderous applause. The conference was organized so that the press could immediately begin their questioning of the cast and crew.
The first question presented was by a fellow named Holland, who asked about the work put into this masterpiece. The creators did not respond and instead only succeeded in confusing reporters with a cross-eyed fat face. However, after several minutes of this uncomfortable and awkward silence, one of the actors made a comment.
Mandrake: "People Crying is a travesty."
Promptly proceeding this denouncement of the movie, all cast and crew at the press conference stood up abruptly, turned to face the door and marched out with a most vicious scowl on their faces. To further baffle the audience present, they were heard giggling maniacally down the hall way leading to the exit while shouting what I could only make out to be, "Abandon ship! Abandon Kip!"
Shortly after this fiasco all members mysteriously vanished. Police investigations are currently being conducted with the only viable clue being this disturbing and crude drawing:
The Reviews are In! Critics Hail the Film as the Second Coming of Christ!
Monday, August 31, 2009
Hear Hear! Critics Rave! People Crying is the Bee's Knees!
Some are calling it "A greater spectacle than the product of World War I, World War II and Muhammad Ali's nutsack!". This is just one of the multitudes of outlandish statements that are being said in praise of the newest feature by acclaimed film company, Chairmaster Productions. In their latest daring and extravagant journey into the psyche of the human mind, the creators followed a vision and summed up the film in these fine words:
"Well you see, People Crying is a classical retelling of an 18th century love story involving two Bavarian hunks and the emotions they fought against to maintain their rancid lust."
As anyone can gather from this insightful description, this thought provoking work is bound for stardom. Rumor even has it that there is already Oscar buzz surfacing for this film.
The entire cast and crew of People Crying are scheduled for a press conference in the near future and further light will be shed on this masterpiece of mankind.
"Well you see, People Crying is a classical retelling of an 18th century love story involving two Bavarian hunks and the emotions they fought against to maintain their rancid lust."
As anyone can gather from this insightful description, this thought provoking work is bound for stardom. Rumor even has it that there is already Oscar buzz surfacing for this film.
The entire cast and crew of People Crying are scheduled for a press conference in the near future and further light will be shed on this masterpiece of mankind.
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